Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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