I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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