Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
