Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize