I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
