When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
