I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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