I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
