just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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