Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize