he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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