So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
This is the high leading the old right now
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
