I wanna bring you to show and tell
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm too high and old for this...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
