see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
There's even glitter on my cock...
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