can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
