I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
