You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I intend to get homeless drunk
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
