Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
