Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize