Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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