People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
My ass is underappreciated
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
