it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
