If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
