and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
