but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
