I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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