My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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