my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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