All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
This is not my ceiling
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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