Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You're like the curious george of whores
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
