Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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