Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize