why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Randomize
