Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
