you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
