You really coming over, don't trick.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
