Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
