my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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