I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
