If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
