my vag is so smooth its legendary
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
