can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There's always time for handjobs
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
