i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
