sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
