My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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