Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
How external is "for external use only"?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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