I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
