I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
