can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Randomize
