Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
