cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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