While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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