Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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