I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
