What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
